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Wednesday 19 November 2008
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iC Ur So Funny??
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their
women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated
their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created,
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,
one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river. Poof! God gave him a row boat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying "Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river. And Poof! God turned him into a woman.
She looked at the map and walked across the bridge.
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store at the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
Social Engagements:
Party:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with college
drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)
A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Sports car (-10)
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
(+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800)
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
** Here there is no correct answers
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)
Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, "What's that perfume?"
The first responds, "Chanel #5, $99.00 a bottle." The elevator stops on the fourth floor and another woman boards reeking of perfume. The second woman sniffs the air and the third woman says, "Paradise $149.00 a bottle."
The elevator stops on the sixth floor and the second woman moves to the front to exit, lifts her skirt and farts. She says as she exits, "Baked Beans - 49 cents a can."
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"
She was a blonde
-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
-she thought a quarterback was a refund
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
-she thought meow mix was a record for cats
-under "education" on her job application,she put "Hooked On Phonics"
-she tried to drown a fish
-she tripped over a cordless phone
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'
-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
-she got stabbed in a shoot out
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
-If you gave her a penny for intelligence you'd get a refund
-they had to burn down the school to get her out of 3rd grade
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
-if she spoke her mind,she'd be speechless
-she studied for a blood test and failed
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home
-did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The 1st blonde said,"These look like deer tracks,"and the other one said , " No,they look like moose tracks". They argued until the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door to their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door opened,but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped to catch her breath,and her friend said anxiously,"Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top's down!
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo," she shouts. "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
hope you enjoy lol have a laugh with »Ü§R«
[Submitted by ïÇû«[*_*]»Ü§R]
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laugh with »Ü§R«
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their
women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated
their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created,
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,
one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river. Poof! God gave him a row boat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying "Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river. And Poof! God turned him into a woman.
She looked at the map and walked across the bridge.
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store at the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
Social Engagements:
Party:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with college
drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)
A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Sports car (-10)
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
(+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800)
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
** Here there is no correct answers
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)
Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, "What's that perfume?"
The first responds, "Chanel #5, $99.00 a bottle." The elevator stops on the fourth floor and another woman boards reeking of perfume. The second woman sniffs the air and the third woman says, "Paradise $149.00 a bottle."
The elevator stops on the sixth floor and the second woman moves to the front to exit, lifts her skirt and farts. She says as she exits, "Baked Beans - 49 cents a can."
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"
She was a blonde
-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
-she thought a quarterback was a refund
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
-she thought meow mix was a record for cats
-under "education" on her job application,she put "Hooked On Phonics"
-she tried to drown a fish
-she tripped over a cordless phone
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'
-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
-she got stabbed in a shoot out
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
-If you gave her a penny for intelligence you'd get a refund
-they had to burn down the school to get her out of 3rd grade
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
-if she spoke her mind,she'd be speechless
-she studied for a blood test and failed
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home
-did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The 1st blonde said,"These look like deer tracks,"and the other one said , " No,they look like moose tracks". They argued until the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door to their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door opened,but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped to catch her breath,and her friend said anxiously,"Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top's down!
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo," she shouts. "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
hope you enjoy lol have a laugh with »Ü§R«
[Submitted by ïÇû«[*_*]»Ü§R]
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USR TFD Server Stats In Testing!
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Hey guys, now that Celtic that the Task Force Dagger server setup, I went ahead and setup the stats program as well so we can start tracking stats as soon as possible!
While we are getting the configuration of the uploader setup, we may have to take to the server offline a couple of times to restart it but, it won't take long at all.
You can view your stats by click here, or by clicking on the "USR TFD Stats" link on the left, in the navigation menu.
I have just started working on the look of the page, so it will be a few days before it's completely ready. Also, I will be installing stats for our BHD server soon, too! Keep an eye out for that!
When I get the server info (IP address), I'll make a news post of it and post it on the website. I do know that the server is listed in NovaWorld, and it's called USR Returns.
See you all in the TFD!!
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Saturday 15 November 2008
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Upload: icu wall of fame
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Colour Key:
Mike “Mike” on
Wednesday 19 November 2008 - 00:35:51 
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